The original Ask Dr. Kelly.............
I offer Face to Face Counseling & Psychotherapy for individuals, families and couples; as well as Secure Online Counseling for individuals who are busy, remotely located, unable to travel or just prefers not to travel.
Secure counseling and therapy for individuals, families, couples as well as marriage counseling.
The original Ask Dr. Kelly, Licensed in PA, FL, and NY, Nationally certified for Online, Distance Counseling and Psychotherapy.
Dr. Kelly, PhD, LPC, MHC, DCC, NCC, NCCH offers a variety of traditional and alternative therapies to accelerate the process of therapy to assist in gaining rapid results for meeting your goals.
I have been providing counseling and psychotherapy for almost thirty years. My background is in mental health, drug and alcohol, trauma, sexual abuse, dissociative disorders, anxiety and depression. I work with individuals, families and couples.
My main office is located in Newtown, Bucks County, PA; with satellite offices in New York and Florida. I also offer secure online counseling and psychotherapy via online chat, phone and encrypted emails.
If you're looking for rapid results from a caring, yet upfront therapist, I'm the right therapist for you. My philosophy is to help you reach your goals as quickly as possible.
Whether you are interested in traditional talk therapy, hypnotherapy or one of the many alternatives to rapid growth, my style of therapy is geared towards your needs, goals, presenting issues and personality.
Call today _ 215-860-4810/267-980-5455
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Face to Face Talk Therapy
Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR)
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Secure Online Therapy
Online Services
Online counseling and therapy is a safe, efficient and effective way to maximize your time and help you reach your goals. With the convenience of not having to travel to an office, you never have to worry about parking, travel expenses or being late. You can have online counseling at home, in your office or on the beach. Your therapy travels with you!
Onlines services, include but are not limited to secure online video or audio chat, encrypted email, and Facebook Contact.
Secure Video Conferencing & Live Chat for the busy individual, the remote, or the person who is unable to travel.
Phones services are available via my office _ 215-860-4810, my cell_ 267-980-5455; or via Skype or ooVoo.
Secure email is provided through www.hushmail.com where you can also get a a free encrypted email account for the confidential exchange of sensitive information.
Why wait? Call me or send me an email and get started today!
Disclaimer (Read for Online Services)
On-line, distant counseling services are not covered under insurance plans. It is your sole financial responsibility to pay for service. The following provides important information regarding professional services and business policies performed by Dr. Bonnie Kelly. Please read them carefully, and feel free to direct any questions you have regarding to Dr. Kelly _ 215-860-4810 or 26 Eagle Rd. , Newtown, PA 18940
By accepting these terms, they will represent contractual agreements between you and Dr. Kelly.
Process of Therapy: Your participation in counseling and psychotherapy can result in a number of benefits to you from personal growth, interpersonal relationship, career insight and changes and possibly the resolution of specific life stresses. Psychotherapy requires active participation in the process with honesty and trust. There are no guarantees that psychotherapy will yield positive or intended results; and changes may be slow and frustrating at times. Dr. Kelly will develop a treatment plan specific for you needs, goals and personal style; drawing upon many different types of treatment modalities.
Treatment Plan & Goals: You will work directly with Dr. Kelly to develop treatment goals that relate to your current concerns.
Dual Relationships: Dr. Kelly will not engage in any relationship with clients outside of the therapeutic process to maintain adequate objectivity, clinical judgment and therapeutic effectiveness.
Termination: If at any time, during the process of psychotherapy, Dr. Kelly assesses that she is not effective in helping you reach your goals, she will discuss this with you. She such case, she will offer alternatives to her services. You must authorize and give written notice for Dr. Kelly to speak to another therapist on your behalf. You may terminate therapy at any time.
Privacy & Confidentiality: All information disclosed within sessions, as well as written notes, emails, and the like are confidential and may not be revealed to anyone without the client's written permission, except when disclosure is required by law. Disclosure by law may include when a person is a threat to themselves or another person, when there is reasonable suspicion of abuse or neglect of an adult or child, or when there is a threat to others property.
Disclosure may be required pursuant of a legal proceeding. Exceptions apply to marital or family therapy, in which the therapist will use her clinical judgment. No records will be released without the written authorization of both parties.
Emergencies: DR. Kelly is available via email or her cell phone _ 267-980-5455 for emergencies. If DR. Kelly becomes concerned about yours and another persons safety, she will do whatever she can within the limits of the law, to prevent you from injuring yourself or another, to ensure proper medical care. For this purpose. she may also contact the policy, hospital, ambulance or any contact person you indicated on your contact sheet.
Health Ins. & Confidentiality of records: Distance counseling is not covered under insurance plans and will be the sole responsibility of the client. No records or information will be released to your medical plan.
Confidentiality of emails, cell phones, and faxed communications: Please be aware that email, cell phone, cordless phones communication can be accessed by unauthorized people resulting in compromised confidentiality. Emails are are especially vulnerable due to servers having unlimited and direct access to all emails processed. Faxes can be sent erroneously to the wrong phone number. Please advise the therapist of your preferred form of communication.
Litigation Limitation: Due to the nature of therapy and the involvement of full disclosure with regards to confidential matters, it is agreed that should there be legal proceedings of any type, neither you, nor your attorney, nor anyone acting on your behalf will call DR. Kelly to testify in court, or at any proceeding, nor will a disclosure of psychotherapy records be requested.
Consultation: Dr. Kelly consults regularly with other professionals regarding her clients; name and identifying info. will not be disclosed. Anonymity and confidentiality will be maintained.
Telephone & Emergencies: If you need to contact Dr. Kelly in between sessions, please leave a message on her answering machine or on her cell phone number. She will contact you as soon as possible. Unless out of town, Dr. Kelly checks her messages throughout the business day. If you need to speak to someone immediately, please contact the emergency National Hot line _ 800-784-2433 or dial 911.
Payment and Insurance: All payments are due at the time or service. Client will be charges any sessions, phone calls, emails and any other related matters specific to their treatment.
Liability: The therapist has the right to send any individual to collections for any unpaid balances. Client agrees to re3lease Dr. Kelly or any wrong doing during the course of therapy provided the above mentioned provisions have been met. Client acknowledges that their success in therapy and meeting their goals is dependent upon their active participation and application of treatment suggestions, and will not hold Dr. Kelly liable for any unmet goals.
Cancellations: Any cancellations must be made with a minimum for 48 hours notice. The full fee will be charged for any appoints changed or canceled with the 48 hours.
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I acknowledge that I have read and understand the Online Disclaimer for services. Return of this email will serve as my official and original signature for services rendered by Dr. Bonnie L. Kelly _ 215-860-4810 or 267-980-5455.
Online counseling is not appropriate for all kinds of problems. If you have suicidal thoughts, it's important to seek immediate help. If located w/in the USA, call 800-784-2433 or 911 or go to the nearest hospital and ask for help.
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In Office (Face to Face) Services
I offer a variety of therapies to assist in the process of self improvement. Located in Newtown, Bucks County, I am conveniently located from NYC, Phila. and the Wash. DC area.
Whether you are interested in talk therapy, EMDR, relaxation & hypnotherapy, photo-stimulation, or one brain, my method of treatment is based on personal need, personal and presenting issues.
Call today _ 215-860-4810
EMDR
A power therapy that accelerates the information processing in the brain. EMDR is a specialized method which assits in connecting prior events with current behaviors and thoughts.
EMDR is a approach for processing behaviors, experiences, thoughts, beliefs and emotions that interfere with everyday life by promoting "self healing". Beneficial for all ages and symptoms, EMDR stimulates the REM state of the mind on a conscious level.
A deeply relaxed, trance like state of the body rsulting in a relaxed, calm and rejuvenating sensation of the body and mind. Often feeling like you've been asleep or a day dreaming state for hours, hypnotherapy lowers the defenses of the uncounscious mind, leading to sustainable change.
Both deep and light trance states can transform the mind to create positive changes, whether for smoking cessation, anxiety, weight loss, etc.
A non-intrusive, relaxing and entertaining method of obtaining total relaxation which immersed in lights that stimulate different parts of the brain while increasing self wareness and productivity.
The senses of the mind and body are stimulated and challenged to help you reach peak performance through the use of special goggles which synchronizes light, music and sound to stimulate the the whole brain.
A non-invasive, non-intrusive method of obtaining total relaxation while increasing energy levels, productivity and creativity while dealing with fears.
This method allows you to experience real life situations in a safe, secure environment. Great for visualizational while immersing you quickly into 3-D reality.
Overcome fears quickly and safely. Also fun and entertaining.
Assists in the identification and diffusion of negative stressors by releasing preceived subconscious limitations that are attached to past traumatic events.
Similar to EMDR, one brain is a power therapy which promotes internal processing, self-understanding and healing.
Based on the premise that when negative events occur at a certain developmental stage in life, the associated stress then interferes with future learning and reinforces self-imposed limitations.
4 Golden Rules for Coping
It's early Monday morning and everyone is rushing around to get ready for school and work. Your son or daughter is trying to talk to you and you can only focus on that important meeting you have. Later that day you receive a call from the school that your child did not bring back to school the requested signed documents and has been suspended. You're furious at your child and begin yelling. Your child gets very upset and starts screaming back at you that he/she tried to talk to you in the morning but you didn't listen. You come back with "You're always in trouble and making excuses." Your child replies "You never listen to me...you don't car about me...work is more important to you than me. I HATE THIS HOUSE!"
WHAT HAPPENED? Maybe you're thinking this example is a bit extreme, but I'm sure you can think of several situations where you were accused of not listening, felt you weren't listened to or felt that the person just didn't understand what you said. Help is here! If you can remember these four (4) easy steps, your life can become more manageable and happy. They are 1. STOP, 2. LISTEN, 3. THINK, 4. ACT (SLTA).
1. STOP: Stop doing whatever it is you're doing. If you're working or playing, watching television or on the computer, stop doing it immediately. Redirect your attention to the person that is attempting to speak to you.
2. LISTEN: Closely listen to what the person is saying to you. Don't judge, criticize or interrupt that person while he/she is speaking. Attempt to listen to exactly what he/she is saying. Repeat what the person has said in your mind to reinforce active listening.
3. THINK: Think about what the person is saying with out judging or criticizing. Think about how that person is feeling as well as how you are reacting to what he/she is saying. Think about what that person is attempting to communicate, what his/her needs are and how you might react appropriately.
4. ACT: After and only after you have completed the first 3 steps are you able to act.
Now you can objectively and appropriately respond to what the person has said. Your actions will be based on your ability to monitor your behaviors, thoughts and feelings while openly listening to the person speaking to you.
These, simple and easy to remember, rules are helpful for everyone. As an adult, you can apply them to everything you do from listening to your spouse, children or relatives to improving your current work situation. With children, theses rules are easy to remember and help children improve their socialization and interactive skills.
All too often people skip over the first 3 steps and react emotionally to situations. By doing so, you are taking a "reactive stance" to life's situations which leads to feelings of being out of control. When you take the time to follow the first 3 steps you are taking an "active stance" which leads to you regaining or never even loosing control. Practice these four easy steps for one week and you will experience some major changes in how you think and feel, how you get along with others and how you cope with difficult situations.
All you need to remember is: STOP, LISTEN, THINK, ACT!
Dr. Kelly
Application of 4 Golden Rules
Dear Reader:
These 4 rules were given to my 6 year old son who has trouble listening and controlling his behavior. He told Dr. Kelly that he was reprimanded by his teacher for hurting another child. When Dr. Kelly asked how he felt about hurting the other child, he said "I felt sad and I felt glad." When Dr. Kelly asked why he felt sad, he replied, because the other child cried. When Dr. Kelly asked why he was glad, he said because it stopped the fighting.
So the 4 rules were introduced to help my son learn another way of handling his anger. I must say, as his mother, the rules also work for me when I take the time to Stop, Listen, Think, Act before I start raising my voice when my son is not listening. When I can stop myself and think about the mom I truly want to be, the whole situation changes. I remain in control of me and think about what is really important for me and my child. My actions then usually result in a kiss on his head and a quiet repetition to...finish eating, get ready for bed or go brush your teeth.
Thanks!
Janis G, Yardley, PA
Driving Me Crazy
Dear Dr. Kelly:
My children are driving me crazy...literally...I feel like I spend my life behind the wheel of my car. Im ready to pull them out of every activity because Im so burned out. Im feeling so selfish, but totally overwhelmed with every ones crazy schedule. Do you have any advise for a Worn out Woman in Wycombe?
Dear Worn Out:
Parents go to great lengths to provide their children with every opportunity to express themselves in activities and to grow. This is very fortunate for children; however the problem lies in parents over doing it financially and time wise. Often parents feel that by denying their children the opportunity to be in activities is an indication of their own selfishness or failure to provide. Sometimes parents place their children in activities that they may have desired to participate in as children themselves; and not because their children really want to be in those activities.
Activities outside of school are great for further growth, yet parents need to be cautious not to loose sight of their childrens primary goal to excel in school academically. Too many activities can actually serve to distract from their academic performance; as well as from the social structure of the family. Having too many activities can prohibit family members from interacting with one another. The family structure can quickly deteriorate without you even recognizing the signs.
To limit the number of activities that your children participate in may actually enhance the quality of the entire familys life. By limiting activities, families will have more quality time to spend together. Children will learn to appreciate more the few activities that they do participate in. Overwhelming them with so many activities can actually serve to reduce the level of excitement, appreciation and experience of those activities. Limiting activities will also help to teach your children that sometimes we have to wait for the things we want. Not all things happen immediately; but diligence and patience will prevail. It also provides them with an opportunity to excel in one area, rather than have limited experience in many.
By stretching yourself so thin, is to treat yourself poorly. If you are unable to enjoy your life, it is difficult to enjoy your family. that frustration will ultimately affect how you interact with your family members; and perhaps lead to resentment. Take time to enjoy yourself so that you can enjoy your family. It is very difficult to concentrate on your children's needs when your focus is so scattered and filled with anguish. While your children may resist initially, they will learn to appreciate you and the time you spend together as time goes on. You will appreciate them more...not to mention enjoy their activities.
Less activities-more focus-more appreciation-improved family life! Use the extra time you gain by reducing the number of activities to talk to your children. get to know them more intimately. Activities are great...but some activities should include the entire family.
Enjoy your off time and increased family time.
Confused Father
My marriage has broken up. If that alone is not difficult enough for my children, my wife has now become involved with a woman. I am not a homophobic, but I have a real problem with my children's involvement with this alternative life style. What should I do? My children are 7 and 14.
A confused father in New Hope.
Dear Confused:
First, I would like to say that I am pleased to know that fathers are reading my column as well as mothers. And you certainly have a controversial and delicate issue.
Getting over a relationship can be one of the most difficult traumas a person has to get through, be it by parting in life or death. A lot of issues and pain comes up. It also brings a lot of issues up for your children's continued development.
Let me attempt to answer your question by separating your issues from your your children. Research has demonstrated that children fair better in a loving, caring, peaceful family environment than in one that is filled with stress, anger, resentment and conflict. Ideally, of course, children want their parents to be together forever. Isn't that the way it was meant to be? Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world and things happen to change what we believe "should be".
Your concerns for you children are real, however you need to be careful not to project your own feelings regarding what happened onto your children. When you think about your estranged wife's relationship with another woman. what does that mean to you? What issues does that bring up for you in terms of your relationship with her and for you personally as a man?
Do you believe that your children are unsafe because this other woman is dangerous? How might you view her as such? Do you believe that if your children see two woman showing affecting toward one another that they may choose a similar life style as adults?
You also will have influence over your children as they will be spending quality time time you. Just because your estranged wife has elected to live with another woman, you can not assume that your children are in danger and/or will become homosexual, lesbian or even bi-sexual.
A person's sexuality is grounded very early in life, and there are many genetic deviations on the sex chromosome which contributes to sexual identity problems in adults, as well as in children and adolescents. No one can make another individual become what they are not genetically programmed to be.
As difficult as it might be to accept your ex-wife's current lifestyle, your children will fair much better if you can find compassion and understanding in your heart. To do so will teach them about loving, caring and acceptance. You will teach them about forgiving. You will teach them that you will always be loving and accepting of them. even when they might not be exactly what you want them to be. By doing so, your relationship with your children will grow and you will continue to have an impact on how that think and feel as they continue to grow.
To create continued conflict between you and your ex-wife will only serve to create anxiety in your children. They will feel the need to divide loyalties and hide their feelings. This only serves to create secrecy and distrust between people. Your children will feel that they can't be open and honest with you if they know that it will upset or anger you.
Seek professional help to discuss your feelings about the current turn of events. If your children seem distressed by the relationship, take them to talk to some one about their feelings. Make use of an objective listener who can help guide you through the process of obtaining a happy household.
Life sometimes gets harder before it gets easier.
ADD
Dear Dr. Kelly,
ADD is being blamed for just about everything in the classroom these days. Where was this when we were children? Where did it come from?
Elizabeth Santiano, Holland
Dear Elizabeth:
Like many diseases or disorders, it takes research and knowledge to come up with new ideas, thoughts and treatments for those issues. Many years ago cancer was viewed as being contagious. Today, we know that it isn't. Everyday researchers learn more and more about new or more appropriate ways for improving health care.
ADD may appear to be more prevalent than during our childhood years, and yes it may be blamed for more behaviors than necessary. There are many factors which may lead to the diagnosis of ADD. Some factors are biochemical and some may be learned behaviors. Regardless of the reason, it is behavior which needs to be
addressed.
We need to acknowledge that in the past many children suffered needlessly because society and the medical profession did not completely understand what was happening to them. I have spoken to and worked with many adults who can better understand the struggles they went through academically now that ADD is recognized. They were silent suffering, because they and no one else could
properly identify what was happening. These adults grew up knowing they were different from others and many had continued problems in adulthood's. Some with drugs and/or alcohol, others went to jail and
others had relationship issues.
Educators are trained to recognized certain behaviors in children which may indicate a problem which needs to be addressed. They are concerned about there students and offering them help. Parents are also concerned. They want to ensure that there children get the education and support they deserve and need. Unfortunately, a diagnosis of ADD may be used as a crutch to avoid the real issues or
taking responsibility as a parent or teacher.
Concerns about ADD should be looked at as a place to start for looking at the child and finding the proper support and care for his or her educational and emotional needs.
What a great question for everyone to think about!
Starting School
My little by is starting Kindergarten. Hes excited, but I can see that he is a little worried too. He tends to be a Mamas Boy. What can a parent do to ease these worries? What can we also do for older children who might be experiencing some back to school anxieties?
Ellen in Newtown
Dear Ellen,
Some anxiety is normal when encountering new experiences. Its important for you to teach your child that these emotions are normal and often quickly pass once the newness wears off. We all fear the unknown, and your child has his own fantasies and fears about what might happen. You need to sit down with him and let him tell you what he is possibly worried about. Be sure not to put words and thoughts into his mind that may not be there. Help your child express his feelings in way that makes sense to him. Let him know that its okay to feel the way he does and that he can always talk to you about his concerns. Children want to please their parents and will often say that they are thinking or feeling a certain way because they believe that that is what their parents want to hear.
Sometimes a parents own fears about separation can be a trigger for their childrens anxieties and concerns. Its okay to use simple personal examples of times when you felt concerned about something, but be aware not to project those fears onto your child. Encourage your son to focus on the positive; as well as on all the new friends and buddies hell meet. Help him think of times when you have gone places and he has meet children his own age and had fun. Reassure him that you know hell be able to handle any new situation.
Spend time visiting the school, meet the teacher and familiarize him with some the activities that he may encounter while attending school. Get him excited about the good things and try not to focus too much on the negative. The more familiar the school and the surrounding area is the less fearful he will become.
This is a big change to his regular routine and he will need time to adjust.
Older children also have an adjustment period to go through after having the summer off with no set schedule. They begin to remember older concerns from the previous year and may fantasize about new ones for the upcoming school year. Discuss those concerns openly with your children. Help them develop productive ways to help reduce their anxieties and to develop good problem-solve skills. Be careful not to create a situation where your emotions are feeding into your children. By doing so, things can escalate quickly and get out of control. You want to teach your children control and you are the role model. Help them understand that their emotions are okay. Reassure your children that emotions help them to identify how they are experiencing their world. With this understanding, your children can take control of their lives and those stressful or frightening situations.
Its important to accept ourselves and our emotions.
Nightmares
My 4 year old wakes up with nightmares almost every night. Either my husband or I go in and comfort her. We're beginning to think that she is only doing it to get our attention. The nightmare aren't serious. She's easily comforted, but every night our sleep is disturbed. Is there anything we can do about this?
Sleepless in Sellersville
Dear Sleepless:
Some nightmares at this age are still common in children and often subside as they get older (usually within 6 mo.). You should discuss your childs fears during the day rather than at night. Your child could be simply expressing some of her anxieties from the day while sleeping which is when she wakes. These anxieties may be associated with a recent event, a television program, a change in an established routine. Children may make negative associations to sleep time which need to be explored. During the day, children are busy with activities that they often dont worry about their concerns. However, during the night their impulses take over and their minds begin to wander. This can lead to difficulties falling asleep and or staying asleep.
You mentioned that the nightmares were not serious and your daughter is easily comforted. At her age she may be experiencing some fears associated with her age of development. Sexual impulses, thoughts of death, aggressive behaviors and the loss of their parents are not uncommon. Story telling and discussing these issues with your child as being normal will help reduce feelings of guilt, fear or jealousy during sleep. If she is trying to get your attention, look at reasons why she may be reacting this way. Is there less time spent with one or both of the parents? Remember, children love their parents and love to spend time with them. They will find a way to get attention good or bad, during the day or night.
Children may also make associations to sleep patterns during the day. Think about the manner in which your child takes her afternoon naps and goes to sleep at night. Are there differences which may make it difficult for your child to fall back asleep? For example, does she have a favorite toy or area where she naps, the room has light, do you rock or sing her to sleep, do you rub her back or lay down with her? Is so, it may be reinforcing a condition which is not available in the middle of the night, making it difficult for her to go back to sleep after her nightmare. If you had to change the way you sleep, you might find it difficult to adjust. Imagine how well you might sleep if you spouse or child was missing. Familiarity leads to comfort.
To assist your child, begin by setting guidelines for sleeping. If she awakes during the night, do not react so quickly by going to her room. Allow some time for her to adjust to you not being there. If she does not calm down within 10-15 minutes, go to her room, reassure her and sit with her for about a minute or two. Do not lie in her bed, but sit in a chair near the bed. Leave before she falls back asleep and leave the door slightly open. Reassure her that you are near by. If she needs a light, allow her to have one. Repeat this method by increasing the amount of time you give before going to her room. DO NOT increase the amount of time spent in the room and gradually move your chair farther away from the bed. In time you will find that the longer you wait to respond, the easier it will be for your daughter to cope on her own and fall back asleep.
Another way to deal with this situation is to have your daughter tell you ways that she believes will help her fall back asleep, without waking you and your husband. Perhaps, its reading a book, turning on her light or radio/TV (if she has one) in her room. Place them on a timer so they go off after a certain amount of time. Tell your daughter that she IS NOT allowed out of her bed. Often children will falls asleep quickly on their own.
Nightmares are often a symptoms of daytime emotional struggles. These nightmares are often a condition of a certain developmental stage and often subside over time. A straightforward approach with your child is best. Address your childs fear and be supportive in a lovingly firm and convincing manner. Do not punish your child or make her feel guilty. This will only further complicate her fears and anxieties and cause increased sleep disturbances. Reinforcement and repetition is the best policy for changing your childs behavior.
Finally, it your child continues to have problems despite your interventions, it may be necessary for you to seek professional help. When children to not adjust over a reasonable amount of time, there could be other emotional, psychological or medical conditions which need to be addressed.
Sleep well!
No Proof
A few friends told me in passing that a another mutual friend has a son who is experimenting with marijuana and alcohol. I have absolutely NO proof that this is true. I don't know whether I should share this information with my friend or not. What are your thoughts?
Questioning in Quakertown
Dear Questioning:
In deciding what is the appropriate manner to handle this delicate, yet serious situation is to ask yourself how you would want a similar situation handled in regards to your children. Without direct knowledge, the information you provide would be hear say and to give this information could risk your relationship with your friend. Yet to ignore it and remain silent may risk the future life of a child. There are no easy answers in a situation like this. Some parents may welcome your concern and the information you provide, while others may become resentful and defensive. Only you can determine how your friends may react to this situation. There are so many factors to take into consideration.
For example: Was this a one-time situation for this child? Does the parent already suspect drug and alcohol use and has attempted to address the issue with the child? Is the parent perhaps is in denial? Have there been any outward signs of changed behaviors, activities, or friends? What is the strength of your relationship with your friend and her/his personality? How might the parent react to this information? What information do you have to share? What is your relationship with the child? Do you have children that hang out with this child? Why have your friends chosen to tell you rather than the parent of the child; and how long have they known? What facts do they have?
You may want to encourage your friends to relay what they know directly to the parent themselves. I'm sure that the parent would have many questions regarding this information that you would be unable to answer. Being friends, they should bear the responsibility of what they know. OR....did they hear about this child second hand also and you are potentially dealing with rumors?
If your friends are unwilling or reluctant to share this information, then you are left to decide what your personal obligation to this child and your friend is? Should you decide to share the information, you need to be willing to give the names of the friends who told you so that the parent has the opportunity to check out the information directly. You will need to let your friends know of your intentions. No matter which way you choose handle this information, you may risk some friendships. The bottom line however is that a child is at risk either by being subject to rumors or is potentially heading down the wrong path.
If this situation had come up with your child, would you want to be told and how? Ask your friends why they haven't shared what they know with your mutual friend. Ask them if their child was involved, what they would want to know and how? Friends support friends, they don't put them in the middle of potential gossip or alliances. It is good to pay attention to your gut instincts in handling this or similar situations. I'm sure you'll come up with the right solution for you, your friend and the child.
Questions are good,
DR Kelly
Shooting Concern
My children are so concerned about the shooting of a schoolboy in Maryland. Theyre worried that this will happen at their school too. What can we, as parent, do to try and make our children feel safe at school and in the community?
Donna in Morrisville.
Dear Donna:
Fortunately the situation in Maryland is over. This does
not mean, however, that it couldnt happen again nor happen at your childs school. As parents and individuals we cant help but wonder how we can feel safe in this world when there is so much hate and destruction going on around us.
To keep things in perspective, we must try to stay grounded in reality and everyday life. Your children need to understand that while the chances of a similar situation occurring at their school is highly remote, they must learn to be aware of their surroundings. They need to be cognizant of suspicious and peculiar behaviors, just as they would be about strangers in general.
You need to help your children understand that there are things in life that we cant predict or prepare ourselves for. You can only teach them how to deal most effectively with these unexpected situations. Individuals shouldnt go through life living everyday in fear. If we did, we would be living our death and robbing ourselves of precious time. We certainly can learn from people living in other countries who arent as fortunate as us to live in a society that is relatively safe in comparison. Take Israel for example, the people there live with the fear of being bombed or terrorized everyday of their lives. They still live their lives and they still find time to worship, being happy and find meaning to their lives. Children learn through example. They learn that some fear is normal and this fear can help to keep them safe. Living in extreme fear does nothing to change the course of life and does little to improve your life. You need to teach your children to enjoy their life and to make the best of it.
No one can predict when an individuals life may end. Death is in fact a part of life and people should not consume their days with trying to avoid it. Teach your children to recognize that we are unable to predict the length of our lives. Teach them that they should focus more on enjoying life, appreciating others and caring for those around them. They need to live their lives focused on today with what is and not with what might be.
As individuals we are not invincible. Teach your children to use common sense in coping with situations. Help them learn not to worry about things that are out of their control, but to learn how to take control of the things they have control of like drinking, drugs, fighting, driving too fast, getting along with and helping others, etc. The more children (as well as parents) focus on the positive, the happier their lives will be and the safer they will feel.
Safety comes from within, Dr. Kelly
Pushing Too Hard
Are we pushing our kids too hard? It seems that we are eager to enroll them in everything from the time they are born. Will our kids be burnouts by the time they hit college? Pushing in Pineville
Dear Pineville:
Planning for your child and participating in organized activities can be fun and enjoyable for you and your child. It provides your child with an opportunity for social interaction. Activities teach your child about group participation, commitment and serves as an outlet of personal expression. Activities help your to be part of an expanding network of influential individuals outside of the immediate family.
Most children like to participate in activities and be with other similar children. When thinking about activities, it is important that your children participate in activities that they enjoy and want to be a part of. Children should not be forced to participate in activities that are personal to the parents. Parents should not enroll children in programs that meet the parents personal agenda of childhood dreams or losses, or due to social status and acceptance.
When planning for the programs to enroll your child in, a parent should look at each childs strengths and weakness, likes and dislikes, level of maturity and personality characteristics. Programs should help stimulate a childs mind, abilities, continued interest and growth, and not stifle them. Parents need be accepting of each childs limitations and temperaments as they affect their interests. Parents need to be supportive of their childrens desires to participate or to choose not to participate. They need to offer guidance in programs so that children learn about commitment, success and failures.
Children need to learn that there is no failure in trying. Not everyone will be a star, nor will they enjoy everything they set out to try. Teach your children to give each opportunity a fair chance and not to bail just because things might get tough. Encourage your children to try new things, while reinforcing that they have the right to discontinue if they decide that the activity does not interest them. Be accepting of each childs level of tolerance.
Its unlikely that your children will feel burned out by the time they reach college if you teach them moderation. You set the example for them. A good gauge for burn out would be if you were feeling burnt out as a parent. If you are, theres a good chance that your child may be feeling it too. Always be willing to change gears and make adjustments to your changing lifestyle and needs. And rememberyou dont have to be a part of everything. Participate in and enjoy the things you really like. Remember, theres always time to try other things in the future.
Moderation is the key,
Social Outcast
I feel like a social outcast. My friends and I have different interest, all of a sudden. I like my friends, but we dont seem to like the same stuff anymore. What should I do?
13 and lonely in Langhorne
Dear Lonely:
Being 13 can be such a difficult time for some teems. Its a time in your life when youre trying to figure out who you are and how you fit in the world. Its also a time when teens begin to feel a lot of pressure from their peers to fit into certain cliques or groups. This peer pressure my lead teens to making choices or experimenting with things they might not chose on their own. Because it is a time when fitting in and being liked is important, it is sometimes difficult and painful to be yourself.
Its also a time when you begin to struggle with wanting to be treated as an adult, and needing the security of being guided as when you were younger. The hormones are continuing to change, which can cause moodiness and an increase in your emotions. Its a time when you may become more sensitive to others. You begin to evaluate how they are treated and how treat others. Its a time when you begin to make adult decisions. You begin to evaluate your world and people differently from when you were a child. You no longer accept things just because. This change in thinking may create changes in interest among friends.
Remember that your friends are also going through the same struggles. Making choices that are good for you may result in some of your friends turning their backs on you. Try not to take it too personally and see it as their need to express themselves. Try to be accepting of their need to find themselves without having to compromise your own values. There will probably be times when you feel all alone or like a social outcast, but this is a temporary situation. You do not have to like everything that your friends like. Dont feel that you have to do or like the things that they do just to keep them as friends. Enjoy the things that you share in common and find friends that share similar interests to you. Even the most popular of kids in your school may feel like a social outcast from time to time.
Like life, things change and so do the people that you will share your life with. As you get older many people will come and go, but your rue friends will always come around and allow you to be the person that you want to be. This means that as a good friend you also need to accept them for who they are. Acceptance does not mean being who you arent! Dont be afraid to continue to be the person you want to be. New friends will come along as you continue to make a commitment to yourself and make good decisions.
Never be afraid to make changes in your life and to meet and make new friends,
Wrong Crowd
Dear Dr. Kelly;
I suspect that my 15 year old son is running around with the wrong crowd. He claims that he is not experimenting with drugs and his grades are not suffering, but I'm not happy with his friends and I don't trust them. Is there anything that I can do, without appearing too controlling?
Mom in Levittown
Dear Mom:
Its sometimes difficult to know if your children are making the right choices as they grow older. Adolescence is a time of experimentation and warding off intense peer pressure. Social acceptance is large part of your childs selection of friends. Children often gravitate to those they feel most comfortable with, those who accept them for who they are. They chose friends they find interesting and who appear independent and secure. Often friends are a reflection of people they may admire and to emulate. Children may also select friends they feel superior to or share a common bond.
